How to Ease The Stress On Children When Its Time to Move...

Moving from one house to another is seldom easy and never fun for anyone, and if the parents fail to plan carefully, a move can be needlessly traumatic for the children. If, on the other hand, parents deal with their children’s concerns and needs thoughtfully, much of that distress and discomfort can be avoided.

It’s not usually necessary to announce this big change to children immediately, although they must hear about it from you before someone else breaks the news. Most teenagers see themselves as adult members of the family, and will probably feel they have been left out if they don’t hear everything from the first day, but it is probably not a good idea to tell toddlers and preschoolers until they have to know. There is no point in making them worry far in advance.

Be sure to announce the move in a totally positive way. You might say how proud you are that Daddy’s company has chosen him out of many other employees to manage a new office in Cleveland. Talk about what a beautiful city Cleveland is, how good the schools are and how nice the people are.

Tell truthful but very positive stories about how nice the new house will be, with particular emphasis on those features that will be most important to your children.
If the new home is too far away to allow a visit by the entire family after it has been selected, show the children pictures of it from every angle. Videotape it, if you can. Emphasize the positive views and be sure to include pictures of each child’s new room. Try to name the house with some romantic description like "Oak Hill" for the big trees and the sloping lawn.

Sugar coating will help, but since children can quickly see the negative sides of most situations, every parent must plan to deal with their children’s worries, fears and sorrows. The children will lose friends they may have known all their lives. They will leave behind their sports teams, their clubs and the dancing teachers. They will have to start over in a new place, making friends, becoming accepted and fitting into different groups.

Younger children need protection from fear of the unknown. Listen carefully to their concerns, and respond quickly to allay their apprehensions. It would be normal, for instance, for a young child to worry that his or her toy box and shelf of stuffed animals might be left behind. Find those anxieties and alleviate them.

Probably the best tactic is to get the children actively involved in the whole process. Don’t just promise to let them decorate their own rooms, for example. Take them to the paint store and let them bring home color swatches. Shop for bed spreads and towels and carpets.

They must leave old friends behind, so find ways to make that parting almost pleasant. Plan a going-away party and let them invite their own guests. Take pictures of everyone and make a photo album. If a child is old enough, send him or her out with a roll of film in the camera and the assignment to photograph the views they will want to remember.

Some relationships will be extremely difficult to break, and these will demand careful, thoughtful, personalized planning by both parents. How, for instance, do you move a 17-year-old 1,000 miles from her steady boyfriend?

Expect that your children may be even more distressed after the move than they were before it. The new house will not be beautiful the night after the moving van leaves, or for months after. The furniture won’t fit the rooms. The curtains won’t be up, and every spot on the floor will be covered with half-unpacked cartons. The children won’t know anyone at school and, if you move during the summer, they may have little opportunity to meet anyone their age.

You may be faced with many more problems in your new community than they will, but remember that you can handle them more easily than they can. They will need your help, and you should plan to give them the support they need.

After the move, give each of them a long distance telephone call allowance so they can keep in touch with the people back home who matter the most to them. Many phone companies now offer plans that include unlimited long distance or consider providing them with pre-paid calling cards. Buy a stack of picture postcards that show positive views of your new community, and encourage them to write good news messages to the friends and relatives they left behind.

Make sure the children don’t vegetate in front of the television. Get them outside, where neighbors pass by. Teach them to meet people and make friends.

Encourage them to participate in as many school activities as they can handle. Get them on sports teams and into clubs.

If they -- and you -- aren’t making new friends fast enough, throw a welcome-the-neighborhood party for yourselves and invite all the adults and children on the block.

If serious emotional or attitudinal problems arise, however, help is usually available and probably should be sought. Ask a teacher for help. Consider professional counseling. Don’t let a serious problem slide. It can get worse.

Remember that the newness will wear off. New friends will become old friends and best friends. This new house may become the family homestead the grandchildren will visit every holiday season. There will be discomforts, but in the end, everything will work out fine.